Innocence
by imagineinsilence
Summary: After Phil is diagnosed with Schizophrenia, Dan realises he must become Phil's full time carer and be there for him as he goes through drastic changes.
1. Chapter 1

Phil sat bolt upright, as if someone had grabbed him by the scruff of his shirt, picked him up and hoisted him out of his deep, euphoric sleep. Phil couldn't adjust to reality. His dreams were too perfect, too beautiful. All he ever wanted in the world was to dream and dream and dream some more. Maybe then he wouldn't have to go through the pain of waking up in the real world. Every morning was like being stabbed in his fragile heart.

A cold sweat broke on his forehead as his gasping breaths and shaken mind told him what he needed.

Suddenly, Phil leapt from his bed and sprinted to kitchen, fringe sticking to his forehead and his body trembling as he ran down the hall, unaware of the noise he was making. He burst into the pitch black living room, the moonlight peaking through the curtains being his only source of light. He slapped the light switch, filling the room with blinding light, and started thrusting open every cupboard in the kitchen, cutlery, pots, pans, tinned food flying behind him, falling to the floor with a painfully loud, cringing noise of metal against metal.

Phil couldn't see. His mind was a blur, a whirl wind of emotions. All he could see was blurred shapes and fierce colours, swirling around him. He couldn't give up. He had to find what he needed. Quickly.

"Phil?" mumbled Dan's tired voice. Phil spun around and saw a topless Dan shuffle into the room, rubbing his eyes and then slowly moving them away to reveal his gorgeous, rich brown iris' and sparkling pupils. Phil was weak; weak from his illness but most of all, weak from the sight of Dan. His knees buckled and he collapsed onto the cold kitchen floor.

"PHIL!" cried Dan, diving to the floor, on all fours as he crawled to Phil's side. Dan was dazed, unprepared for another one of Phil's breakdowns. He looked down at his face. His fringe was soaked with sweat and his eyes were wide and terrified, flickering in all directions. His chest rose and fell at an alarming rate. Dan cradled Phil's face in his hands, lumps forming in the back of his throat. Phil's body trembled, as a single tear trickled down his face. Dan could feel his heart tear apart like it did every time Phil fell into this state.

"Phil, you have to calm down," said Dan hastily. Dan knew what to do but he could only do it if Phil was tranquil. If Phil was in this state of hysteria when he took his pills, he would become violent. He would beg for more. He would cry and cry and tell him how he wanted to die. Dan physically couldn't see him like that. It was destroy him…

"Phil, please be calm. Be calm,"

"He's coming for me, Dan," Phil whispered in a voice that was far from his own. Suddenly he stopped shaking. His eyes were fixed on the ceiling; un-moving, un-blinking. Dan swept his hands under Phil's arms and positioned him to lean against Dan's chest, with his legs at the sides of Phil's body. Phil was a dead weight against him, his cold body ice on his bare chest. Dan wrapped one arm around Phil as he stroked Phil's fringe with his delicate hand

"No Phil, no he's not. You're safe. I promise. No one can hurt you. I'll protect you," Dan whispered, "You're safe, Phil. Be calm. Please. Do it for me. Be calm,"

"H-H-He did things, Dan. Terrible things," croaked Phil, on the verge of tears. Dan stared at Phil, shocked. This was new. Phil had always talked about someone coming for him. He never said who. He never said why. Just that he was coming for him.

"Phil…" Dan paused, considering what he should do. After some long thought, he realized that now wasn't the time.

He sighed, and planted a kiss on his Phil's moist forehead, "Just relax, Phil, we can talk about it when you've calmed down,"

Dan felt Phil's breath slow and his heart rate turn to normal. Phil turned on his side, brought his knees to his chest and snuggled into the crook of Dan's neck as Dan stroked Phil's hair rhythmically, to the beat of his aching heart. It had been about fifteen minutes before Phil stirred.

"Dan?" mumbled Phil.

"Yeah, Phil?"

"Can I have my pills now?"

"Of course," Dan smiled weakly, "Hang on,"

Dan moved Phil so he sat in the corner, cross legged. Phil's icy blue eyes followed Dan as he stood up and swiftly opened the only unopened cupboard in the kitchen and grabbed a small box from the inside. He squeezed two capsules from the packaging. He grabbed the two pills, filled a glass with water and crouched down to meet Phil's glossy eyes. He slowly handed both the pills and the water to Phil and watched as he gulped down the pills to subdue Phil's rapidly increasing Schizophrenia.


	2. Chapter 2

The past three months had been hard. Dan was physically and mentally exhausted by Phil's illness. But the one thing that really threatened to tear Dan's heart from his chest was the fact that it was going to get worse. Phil was in the very early stages of his Schizophrenia. Although he took pills daily, he would break down at least three times a week, and Dan would never know when it would happen. Anything could tip him over the edge. And sometimes it seemed even Phil could even tip himself over the edge.

Dan woke early, unable to sleep. All he could think about was Phil. So many questions spun around in his mind as he stood over the breakfast bar, stirring his coffee. What would the next months be like for him and Phil? How bad would it get? What exactly goes through Phil's mind? Who was coming for Phil? And why?

But most of all….would his delusions get worse?

Dan bit his nails nervously. Suddenly, he snapped out of his dizzy haze of thoughts and rushed to Phil's room, spinning the cup of coffee as he swept past. He knocked on the door lightly and peered in through the small crack in the hinge.

"Phil? Are you awake?" He said softly, but loud enough for Phil to reply with an unintelligible groan. Dan slowly opened the door to find Phil lying on his back with his eyes peaking over the duvet that covered his body. Phil's eyes drooped but still followed Dan's movements as Dan edged closer and sat on the edge of the bed. Phil's mouth and nose came out from under the duvet and he moved his body to curl around Dan's, lifting his finger, starting to trace the creases in Dan's shirt, and counting each of his vertebrae one by one through the soft fabric. Dan shivered at his touch, more comfortable with this than he should have been

"How are you feeling?" asked Dan. He tried to sound cheerful but he just sounded like he was trying too hard, as if the happiness was being squeezed from him.

"I'm fine," Phil said in an unnaturally high voice, "Well, I will be anyway,"

"Are you sure, Phil?"

"Yeah," he sighed dreamily, drawing out the word into his sigh. Phil moved his hand from Dan's tense back and gently moved his fingers in a walking motion up Dan's neck, lightly placed his thumb and side of fore-finger around Dan's chin and moved his head so he was looking directly into Dan's stunning brown eyes. Phil just stared into the depths of his swirling, chocolate iris' for what seemed like forever and a day before asking,

"Dan, please can we go to town today?"

Dan blinked. He wasn't really expecting that. Phil rarely wanted to leave the apartment these days. Dan wasn't sure if they should go to town. There must be a reason…but how could he say no to those big, pleading eyes and all that innocence?

"Um, yeah sure. Any reason why?" inquired Dan cautiously.

"We shouldn't stay in the same place for so long, Dan, it'll be easy for him to find us," said Phil gravely.

Dan's heart broke. To think Phil would actually have a normal reason to go to town, he then realized was ridiculous. Dan could feel tears well up in his, but he blinked them back furiously.

Phil had only ever spoken of "him" during a breakdown...this was the first time Phil had talked of "him" when he was tranquil.

"Okay," choked Dan, "I'll leave you get ready," Dan stood up and walked to the door, feeling Phil's touch lingering as the fabric of Dan's shirt slide out of Phil's grasp, his arm still out stretched when Dan had reached half way across the room.  
Before he left the room, something glinted in the corner of his eye. Dan stepped back slightly. He looked over his shoulder to see Phil now rolled onto his other side, facing away from him. He turned completely around and looked to his left.

A tear trickled down his cheeks when he saw the slightly bloodied razor blade on the bedside table before him.

He silently slid it off the table and into his pocket, before leaving the room. He promised he'd never let anyone hurt Phil. So it seemed that not only did he have to protect him from others…but also Phil himself.


	3. Chapter 3

Dan almost didn't notice Phil take a wrong turn down a different street.

"Phil!" yelled Dan, chasing after him down a narrow alleyway. Phil walked slowly and sullenly down the alley, transfixed. His arm was outstretched. He seemed to be reaching for something.

Dan came to halt, mid sprint. He watched Phil for a moment, stunned by how…beautiful he looked. It was as if he was gliding; a beautiful ebony haired angel. He swore he even saw a strobe of light from the heavens fall upon him.

Dan blinked, realising that although Phil was a stunning sight, he was still unaware of why he had turned down this street. As Dan caught up to Phil, he swiftly stood in front of him so he could go no further. He placed a careful hand on Phil's cheek, feeling his soft skin under his palm. Phil's normally brilliant blue eyes were now misty, glazed over, dead; but still gorgeous.

"Phil, where are you going? Shakeaway is this way," asked Dan, even though he now realised exactly what had lead Phil down this path; the start of new, more severe delusions.

Phil stayed silent. He was not concentrating on Dan's face, as perfect as it was. What he saw stood behind Dan; a woman. The snowy haired lady beckoned him to her. She would protect him. She would protect Dan. She would let them be together. Finally, they could be happy.

"LOOK DAN!" cried Phil excitedly, making Dan jump with his unexpected change of mood. Dan blindly spun around to look at where Phil was pointing. Phil skipped up behind Dan and threw his arms around his neck, clinging like a small, excitable child. All expression  
left Dan's face as he could feel his insides freeze over.

"Dan, look! She can keep us safe! We don't have to hide anymore! Look, isn't she beautiful…Dan, we can-"

"There's nothing there Phil," said Dan firmly, cutting him off mid sentence. Phil loosened his grip and stepped back.

"Wh-what?" stuttered Phil.

"It's just me and you, Phil," said Dan, staring into blackness, not even the outline of a Phil's imaginary guardian, "Just me and you. It always has…and it always will,"

Dan felt like he was about to burst. It was like there was a bubble in his chest, waiting pop into a complete breakdown. He wanted to scream. He wanted to shout. He wanted to cry. It took his whole being, his whole existence not to fall into Phil's arms and wail until his heart gave up. He wanted Phil to look after him for once.

But that would never happen.

"But…" whimpered Phil, tears welling up in his shining eyes. He took a step forward. As he placed both hands on Dan's shoulders, he brought his lips close to Dan's ear. Dan shuddered as Phil whispered, almost manically,

"Dan…we can be together," Phil's lips brushed against Dan's lobe as the words fell from his mouth.

"Phil, we're together now," said Dan flatly, a horrid feeling of numbness spreading in his mind.

"R-really?" whispered Phil, barely audible, his nose now delicately buried in Dan's sweet smelling hair.

"Yes, really Phil," said Dan, agitated, saying anything to make the conversation end as quickly as possible so they could leave the dark alley.

There was a pause. It was deep…intense. Phil breathed in Dan's scent, relishing it, embracing it. Finally, to Dan's surprise, Phil chuckled.

"Good," giggled Phil, forehead resting on the back of Dan's head to Dan's discomfort. Another shiver ran down Dan's spine as Phil's warm breath made the hairs on the back of his neck stand up, "That's very good, Daniel. You make me so…happy. Did you know that, Daniel?"

Dan said nothing. Phil had never called him Daniel.

Phil laughed again, "That's a stupid question. Of course you know that," Phil suddenly stepped back and spun around, "I'm so happy…so happy…Dan has made me so happy...oh so very happy…he'll protect me…I'm so…happy," giggled Phil to himself as he walked slowly back down the alley, towards the main street.

Dan let one of many more tears to come slip from his eye, before turning around to follow him. He could feel Phil slipping away into a person that was far from himself.

"I can't lose him," he whispered, "I won't let him slip away…I promise,"


	4. Chapter 4

"Hey, Dan?"

"…Y-yeah, Phil?"

"What is Chris doing right now?"

Dan and Phil were sat in the far corner of Starbucks. It had been a few weeks since the incident in the alley way. After that, Dan felt more protective over Phil than he had ever been, as if he was a piece of him. A piece of his heart.

Phil's illness had developed even further. He was becoming increasingly child-like. His illness affects people in a variety of different way. Usually it comes down to the individual's personality, and since Phil was always known as an innocent soul, his mind seemed to embrace that.

Dan clutched his mug of coffee, absorbing all of its warmth into his body, right to the core of his exhausted bones. Regardless of the comforting temperature, Dan still shivered at Phil's question.

Dan conjured up the small amount of energy he had left and looked up through his eye lashes. His eyes were blood shot and extremely tired looking. He looked as if he had been subjected to many sleepless nights, crying being the only way to tire his self into a few hours of sleep. His hair lacked its usual shine and his tan skin was paler than it had been before.

Dan looked cautiously into Phil's huge eyes. Since Phil was diagnosed, it seemed his eyes had become ten times bigger than they were before, as if he was a child discovering things for the first time. As he stared at Dan with wonder filled eyes that begged to reveal all the secrets of the world, every so often they would flicker to the left and blink harshly, like he had something in his eye. His hands were flat on the table, either side of his hot chocolate and he was leaning towards him slightly, full of anticipation at his question.

"I don't know," Dan sighed, growing increasingly irritated by Phil's questions that had been non-stop throughout the day, "Probably playing Skyrim or brainstorming ideas for his next vide-"

"That's not good enough, Dan!" Phil spat. Dan flinched, and quickly twitched his head to the side so he didn't have to look at him. Dan already knew what his expression would be like, and he would grab any opportunity not to see it. He hated this Phil. He despised this Phil. He would do anything to be rid of this Phil forever, but now it was a part of him that couldn't be stopped, because not only was Phil Schizophrenic, but he had also recently been diagnosed with a Split Personality.

"I want to know exactly where he is and what he's doing," Phil demanded as he curled his fingers and dug into the wood of the table, "'Probably' isn't good enough,"

"I can't tell you that, Phil," whispered Dan, keeping his head down.

"WELL, FIND OUT," Phil thundered, slamming his fists onto the table. Dan shivered violently.

"Why do you want to know, anyway, Phil?" asked Dan, trying to stay as calm as he could.

"I want to know what's so important that he just had to leave me last night before telling me what he had planned, " Phil murmered, suddenly changing back to his timid, child-like way.

Dan clutched his chest. He could feel his heart aching viciously. Phil hadn't seen Chris in months.

He finally brought his gaze up to see Phil. He was staring blankly at his hot chocolate as he took the straw he insisted on having, and used it to stir the liquid around mindlessly. His eyes were misty and dim.

"I could ask him to come down to Manchester if you want. And then he can stay a few nights. We can ask PJ too-"

"NO!" Phil let out a blood curdling yell. He jumped to his feet, his body wriggling with violent fits and shakes. His skin became a deathly shade of white as he stared around, frantically. Dan shot up instantly, slamming his knees on the table as he did. Dan bit his lip and suppressed a fit of cursing.

The whole of Starbucks concentrated their cutting looks at the two hysterical men. Some people glared, some people gasped and the rest took pity, not just on the wide eyed, dark haired man, but on his fragile carer too.

Before Phil could shout anymore, Dan made a grab for him, completely knocking over the table and sending both of their searing hot drinks flying across the room. Dan latched an arm around Phil's waist as he roughly clamped his other free hand over Phil's trembling mouth. Phil's muffled screams vibrated against Dan's hand as he, quite amazingly, lifted Phil off his feet and half carried, half pushed him out of the Starbucks.

"Phil! Shut up! People are staring!" panicked Dan, dragging Phil through the streets of Manchester. Dan struggled as Phil kicked out. He was like a toddler trying to escape his mother's grasp. As Phil kicked the air, he punched at Dan's weakening arms and threw is head back in an attempt to head butt Dan. His muffled voice became more and more desperate.

"Lem…eee…oh!"

"Only if you promise to be quiet, Phil," angered Dan, desperately.

"AN! LEM EE OH!"

"PROMISE ME, PHIL!" Dan used all his strength to hold him still. After a few more moments of hesitation and struggling, Phil became still and silent. He was suddenly limp against Dan. Dan slowly took his hand away from Phil's lips. Phil looked blankly up at the sky, all emotion vanishing from his eyes.

Finally, Dan strained to hear the strangled, murmur that caught in Phil's throat.

" Promise,"

Dan regretted the moment he loosened his grip instantly as he watched Phil let himself fall to the ground. Phil curled up in a ball and let tears and sobs run freely out of his body. Dan sank to his knees, ignoring the bewildered passersby. He laid a comforting hand on Phil's arm, deciding to let Phil cry his despair and confusion out of his system. Dan gently lowered his face to Phil's ear and whispered words of comfort, even though it was taking every ounce of will power and strength not to curl up next to him and join him in his fit of emotion.

"Be calm, Phil, it'll all be fine. We'll go home, wrap up in our duvets and watch a film, yeah? How does that sound? You can take your medication and it'll all be fine, okay?"

"I want to go home now, Dan," sobbed Phil.

"I know, you do, Phil, but you'll have to get up so we can,"

"Dan, I really want to go home,"

"We will, Phil,"

"Please, Dan,"

"Don't worry, Phil, I'll get you home safe,"

"Dan, I want to go home, but I can't,"

"Why, Phil?

Phil twisted his body to face, Dan. Phil looked up with hopeless eyes, meeting Dan's heartbroken gaze instantly. A tear from both Dan and Phil's eyes escaped their locked stare.

"I can't go home unless I know I'm safe," whispered Phil, "You have to promise me you'll always keep me safe,"

"Phil, my soul purpose right now is to keep you safe, I will never let anyone hurt you for as long as I am still breathing," Dan's voice trembled, on the verge of breaking entirely.

"If that's true, then I want to hear you promise me that you will never let them come near me ever again. They want to kill me, Dan, they want my blood. That's what he's doing right now, plotting my downfall. Together, they-"

"Wait, who are you talking about, Phil?"

Moments after the question that would soon be the biggest regret of his life, Dan realised that he should've promised to protect him from what he assumed where imaginary murderers, no questions asked. But there was no going back now.

His heart plummeted into the darkest depths of his soul as Phil spoke the names Dan never should've heard as the people that terrifies him the most.

"Chris Kendall and PJ Ligouri,"


	5. Chapter 5

Dan sat with his tense back against the bathroom door. Phil wanted him to guard the door while he showered just in case someone attacked him while he was vulnerable.

He closed his tired, irritated eyes and let the sound of the running water wash over him. It was calming. It had been a while since Dan felt calm. The only thing that wasn't calm about him was his legs. Dan had developed a nervous disposition and felt it necessary to be moving at least one part of his body at all times. Dan usually chose his legs.

"Daniel!"

Dan's eyes opened cautiously. He moved his head, so his ear was towards the door.

"What do you need, Phil?"

"I don't need anything. I just like hearing you speak," Phil yelled back casually, like it was an everyday kind of comment.

Dan choked, those words being the last thing he thought Phil would say. Dan's cheeks flushed a deep shade of red, burning red hot. He couldn't help but smile and giggle like a little fangirl, but quickly covering it up with a deep, rasping cough when he realised how ridiculous he must have sounded. He laughed at himself, disbelieving of how he'd acted. But the warm feeling in his chest remained all the same.

"Um, oh, wow, okay then," he chuckled, still trying to suppress a smile.

"I'm coming out now, Dan, so move away from the door or I might open it into you and break your spine and then I'll start having to look after you instead,"

"Okay, Phil, I'm moving,"

If Dan had stayed on the floor any longer, his spine may well have broken in half. The second he rose, Phil swung the door open at full speed and strode out of the bathroom and straight into his bedroom, making no acknowledgement of Dan whatsoever. Dan followed him into his room and closed the door behind them.

Dan turned around and saw Phil sat on the edge of his bed. He wore one towel over his shoulders like a cape and his Sonic boxer. His chest was bare and his fragile collar bones poked through the gap in the fabric. This didn't bother Dan. They'd lived together for quite some time so Dan was used to seeing Phil in his boxers, even before Phil became ill. But what he couldn't get used to was seeing his arms laced with purple scars.

Suddenly, Phil's eyes snapped to Dan and out of his far away gaze. A moment passed before a huge smile spread across his face.

"What are you smiling at, Mister?" Dan chuckled softly, raising an eyebrow at his friend.

"Come here," he said, beckoning Dan with a slight twitch of his index finger. Dan narrowed his eyes suspiciously while Phil's were as wide as ever.

"Why?"

"Just come here!"

Dan took a few steps towards Phil, who was vibrating with excitement.

"Come on, closer! Are you scared or something?" Phil laughed.

"Obviously not!" Dan lied. He took a few more confident steps and knelt down so he was level with Phil and looking straight into his eyes, "Okay, Phil, what is it?"

All of a sudden, Dan was taken by complete surprise when Phil shook his head vigorously, soaking Dan with the residue of his dripping wet hair. He stumbled backwards off his knees and fell flat on his back. Phil slid off the edge the bed, holding his sides, in complete hysterics at the sight of Dan's shocked face.

"Phil, you cheeky little-" gasped Dan, but before he could say anything else, he was interrupted by Phil's body landing on his. Dan let out a sound like he had just been punched in the stomach. Phil's towel flew off his body and Dan felt the full heat radiate from his skin.

"Tickle, tickle, tickle!" Phil squealed childishly, scrambling his hands all over Dan's body, squeezing his sides, touching his knees, poking his stomach. Dan let out a yelp and squirmed under Phil's grasp. Phil laughed harder than ever. It was as if life had been injected back into his body. It was like old times.

"No, Phil! Oh god, stop!" squealed Dan, trying to suppress a smile.

"Let me see those dimples, Mr Howell," cooed Phil.

Dan couldn't hold it in any longer. A huge smile broke on his face, forcing his eyes nearly shut. He shook his head, showing off his dazzling smile, tiny dents in his cheeks forming instantly, letting Phil see his dimples as requested.

"Yay, dimples!" Phil squealed with delight, sliding his arms around Dan's neck and pinning him to the floor with a bone crushing hug. He nuzzled his face into Dan's neck as Dan hooked his arms around Phil's waist, embracing his loving hug. Dan held Phil in his arms, but this time for all the right reasons; because they were happy. It was one of those simply wonderful moments that were precious at this rough stage in both of the young men's life.

Phil lifted his head up sharply and looked down at Dan who was still smiling and laughing.

"You are my best friend in the whole entire universe," said Phil, loosening his arms from Dan's neck and rested them either side of Dan's head, playing gently with his soft hair, "Did you know that, Daniel?"

"Yeah," whispered Dan, half heartedly trying to blink back his tears, "Yeah I did,"

"Good!" Phil chuckled, more child-like than ever. He lent down, planted a kiss on Dan's cheek and rested his forehead against Dan's, noses almost touching. He smiled down at Dan, unable to contain his happiness, "That's perfect,"

At that moment, Dan felt that he should have been embarrassed by this affectionate gesture that two normal young men wouldn't usually share.

But he wasn't. All he felt was love for his best friend in the whole entire universe.


End file.
